I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
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This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
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I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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