For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
