i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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