i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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