I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
