why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
