Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
