____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
