cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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