Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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