i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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