I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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