Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm too high and old for this...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
