i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
