We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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