I'm so fucking centered right now
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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