i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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