Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
