then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
