Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
