at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
