I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
