I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
