I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Are we still banned from the library?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance