her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Dating After Heartbreak
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"