I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something