Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Never joke about your clitoris.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
