Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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