Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
