just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
