why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
