I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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