I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
