I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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