We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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