gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
