Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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