walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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