It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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