I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
