so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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