I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
