If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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