exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
