So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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