Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
