she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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