Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
