I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
