Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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