This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
no. you can't hotbox the world.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
