The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
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He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
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Boobs are out for the taking
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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