if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.