You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
i love accidental penises.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."