Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
