some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize